I’d like to tell you a story that happened many, many moons ago. Back during the 2006 deer season, as a matter of fact.
My story is about 3 guys from the Ottawa Valley who were out deer hunting.
The first of the guys is named Raunch. Raunch is a rancher. Rancher Raunch they call him. Now, Raunch, he suffers from an illness called roomatiz. It really bothers his hip. So Rancher Raunch has a bad haunch. He’s the oldest and wisest of the three, being in his mid-fifties. He’s a pleasant sort, with a Snaggle-toothed grin. That’s what he calls his remaining tooth, “Snaggle”. He also has a full head of hair. Well, he has to overcomb it to have a full head of hair, but he’s proud of it.
The second guy is Scotty McLeod. He’s of Scottish descent. He was the banker for the group. A famous rock band wrote a song about him. It’s called “Hey McLeod, Get Offa My Ewe”.
The third guy is of German and French descent. His mother was from the exotic town of Bourget, out East. She was old money. Her parents had a fine restaurant up there, called Chez Marie’s Diner. His father was a German fellow, named Frederick. His family had been nobles in Germany, the von Strapps. When he came to Canada, Frederick dropped the von part. His son, who this story is about, is named Jacques. The boys from the Valley can’t pronounce his foreign name, so the call him Jock. Jock Strapp., they called him. He was the most educated of the three, with ten years of schooling. He loved to brag as to how grade 4 had been the best 6 years of his life.
Now, back to my story. Raunch, Scotty, and Jock were out in their hunt camp. As luck would have it, Raunch ran out of his roomatiz medicine. The medicine was a vile-tasting amber liquid that sent a fire to your tummy. Someone would have to go to town to get some more medicine. Raunch the Rancher with the bad haunch was too sore to go, and Scotty was deathly terrified of spending money. It made him break into a cold sweat, and shake and shiver. So they decided Jock would go, and find an apothecary or trading post where he could buy some medicine. Jock asked “Where on earth am I going to find your medicine at this time of night?” Raunch told him to cross the river, and go see the KayBayKwah. Apparently their elders had decided to allow their trading posts to open later than on this side of the river. So off went Jock, in his trusty mount, a rusty 73 Ford pickup. When he got to the Gatineau hills, he entered a trading post. There, on the wall, was the largest collection of roomatiz medicine bottles he’d ever seen. So Jock introduces himself “Hi, my name is Strapp, Jock Strapp that is”. The natives didn’t seem to understand his lingo very well, because they burst out laughing. So he started trading with them, worthless coins with the images of loons on them (apparently, lately they have gone up in value somewhat), in exchange for samples of the roomatiz medicine. Then it happened. A dreaded Gatineau cougar came in. It was a female of the species, with a gleaming blond mane, and a hide like polished leather. Her eyes were blue, as were the bags under her eyes. Her lips were gleaming red. She stalked Jock for a long time. Meanwhile, Jock sampled 5 or 6 different types of medicine, and gave some to the cougar, hoping to distract it. After 5 or 6 drinks, the cougar left the trading post to go back to her lair. Jock tracked her there, carefully entering her den. No sooner had he entered the den that she jumped him. She was all over him. Jock thought she may have had young ones at one time, because she kept sticking her tongue in his mouth. Jock figured this was a habit similar to wolves’, where they store food in their mouths for the young. She started ripping at his clothes. He figured he’d have more chance of wrestling her into submission if he took his clothes off, so she couldn’t get a grip on him. So off came the clothes. They wrestled for a while. Jock ended up giving her a good licking. The episode left poor Jock with a bad taste in his mouth. Then Jock remembered hearing somewhere that cougars are mesmerized by snakes. So he pulled out a snake he had with him. It wasn’t a venomous type, but is known as a rouser snake or trouter snake. The have only one eye, and spit at their enemies. Jock’s is apparently 8 inches long, or so he says. People that have seen it, however, say it’s more like 5 inches long.
Well, let me tell you, when the cougar saw the one-eyed snake, she went nuts. She grabbed the snake and started viciously shaking it. She grabbed it with her teeth and started biting it. Back and forth, back and forth the battle went, until finally Jock came… to the conclusion that he’d have to give his snake a rest and fight the cougar again. So after a few minutes’ rest the snake attacked, stabbing, jabbing the cougar. After 10 minutes or so, the snake spit out its venom. The cougar rolled over on its side, and passed out. Well, let me tell you, Jock survived the battle with the cougar. He’s got some nasty scratches down his back, and vicious bite marks around his neck.
Jock put his clothes back on, went back to the trading post and bought a bottle of medicine for Raunch the Rancher with the bad haunch. Poor Jock’s snake came down with the dripping disease. He had to visit a Valley medicine man, who prescribed a traditional remedy that Jock had to take 3 times a day for 10 days. The medicine man told Jock that he should use a suit of soft body armor to protect his snake.
Well, Jock says he’s going back cougar hunting next week, but he’s going prepared this time. He bought 6 suits of soft armor for his snake, as well as some mouthwash and breath mints.
By the way, the boys never got their deer.
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